Rx For Sanity™ – Free Stuff: Daily Dose of Sanity

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Why America Can’t Go Metric: Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked,

A woman had been experiencing chronic problems with knee pain, so she visited her doctor...
The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly,

"Mrs. Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot."

"Oh, no, no!" replied the good doctor, vociferously. "I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!"

A man went to visit his doctor and said, "Doctor, my arm hurts bad." He pleaded, "Can you check it out please?"

"Hello Doctor," said the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate."

"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured...

One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good!!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You aren't listening! Fried foods are cooked in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Absolutely not! Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!
We hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and your personal diet. So, have a cookie.

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband - he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

I work as a nurse in a hospital. Recently, I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly. The woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly". I kid you not.

Jasper went to the dentist complaining of a severe toothache.
His dentist said, "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

The dentist paused for a moment and then said, "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel."

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
- Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous Villanus, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

-Dr. Rebecca St.Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered.... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"

She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener!"

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do..." and he handed the man a bill for $600.

The dog's owner went postal, "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat Scan, the bill just kept adding up."

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car
beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

Sayings That Should Be On Buttons
* Adults are just kids who owe money.
* How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
* I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
* I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
* How do I set a laser printer to stun?
* I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
* And which dwarf are you?
* I plead contemporary insanity.
* Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
* Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
* Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
the earth.
* Earth is full. Go home.
* Is it time for your medication or mine?

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.

Recently, when a panel of doctors at a local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it, anyway

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go, so they tried: "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

Still not good, so they tried: "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried: "Lost Souls and Ass-holes." Still no go.

Nor did: "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet."

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist ... and I have a brown Probe..."

A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city last month. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.

So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack.

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry - the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

A medical student wanted to specialize as a proctologist. He wanted to be a really good proctologist, so he decided to go down to the morgue after class and get in a little extra practice.
When the student uncovered the first corpse, he discovered that there was a cork in the corpse's butt. The student thought that was a little strange, so he pulled out the cork and music started to play: "On the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student really freaked out! He ran to get the County Medical Examiner and dragged the Coroner back to the table. "Look at this!" the student exclaimed as he pulled the cork out again. "On the road again..."

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the medical student asked.

"Are you kidding? That's nothing," replied the Medical Examiner. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

One day Gordie complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor."

His friend replied, "Don't do that, there is a computer at the chemist's that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10."

Gordie figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it could change medical science forever, he wondered if this machine could be fooled and decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Gordie went back to the pharmacy, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

"Your tap water is too hard - get a water softener. Your dog has worms - give him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine - put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twins, they are not yours - get a lawyer. And if you don't stop masterbating, your elbow will never get better."

"POOL BALLS?" asked the astonished doctor. "That may just be it! What kind do you eat?"

"All kinds: Red ones for breakfast, Yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and black and purple for supper."

"I see the problem," commented the medico. "You haven't been getting any greens!"Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

A proctologist is the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases. One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, "Where did those flowers come from?"

The other proctologist answered very coolly, "How should I know. There wasn't any card!!"

A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."

Patient: Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Doctor: Why's that?
Patient: My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me
something to keep it in?
Doctor: Certainly - how about a paper bag?

Patient: Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Doctor: Next, please!

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together!

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
Doctor: What's come over you?
Patient: Two cars and a bus!

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
Doctor: I'll deal with you later.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
Doctor: One at a time, please.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Doctor: Sit there and don't stir.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Doctor: Get back in the queue.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
Patient: I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?
Doctor: Well, for a start, don't point him at me.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.
Doctor: When did it happen?
Patient: When did what happen?

This bloke is sitting at home one night when there's a loud knock on the door. The man answers the door and is surprised to find that there's a six-foot-tall beetle standing on his doorstep. Before the bloke has time to speak, the beetle launches a frenzied attack on him and after a flurry of blows it leaves.

The bloke is covered in cuts and bruises and immediately goes to see his doctor. Upon seeing him, the doctor asks, "What happened?"

The man replies, "You won't believe me. I was beaten up by a massive beetle." Seeing that his doctor is not surprised by this, the man asks, "Well, why aren't you surprised?"

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who wanted to know how much he charged for a house call.

"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

I recently had the toughest time of my life:
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from those, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis and rheumatism. I don't know how I pulled through it.

"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."

* Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
* The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
* Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
* During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
* Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
* The patient before you was a goat.
* He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
* He challenges you to a game of Operation. You win.
* All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."
* He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.

"There is a lot of that going around."
(That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)

"Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.)

"Let's see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty percent interest in the lab.)

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

"This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...)

Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?
The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass...

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the Accounts Payable clerk to increase his salary at his job...

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory!

A nurse completing a patient assessment on a pirate, notes that he has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. The nurse asks, "What happened to your leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea. I was swept overboard into a school of sharks & a shark bit my leg off."

"Well, we were boarding an enemy ship & were battling the other sailors with swords, one of the enemy cut my hand off.", replied the pirate.

A murder of forensic psychiatrists
A gaggle of floor nurses
A wing of flight nurses
A purse of case managers
A disorder of psych nurses
A protocol of admin nurses
A stitch of surgical nurses
A circulation of hematology nurses
A monitor of recovery nurses
A scrub of OR nurses
A labor of obstetric nurses
A cry of pediatric nurses
An intensity of ICU nurses
A pulse of CCU nurses
A denial of Supervisors (couldn't help myself)
A question of relatives
A patter of podiatrists
A gag of speech therapists
A menu of dieticians
An activity of occupational therapists
A soap opera of welfare workers
An exercise of physiotherapists
A joint of rheumatologists;
A brace of orthopedists;
A cell of hematologists;
A node of oncologists
a culture of infectious disease specialists;
A rash of dermatologists;
A hive of allergists -
A shock of ER doctors

A glossary of medical terms
artery the study of paintings
bacteria back door to cafeteria
barium what doctors do when patients die
benign what you be after you be eight
Caesarean section a neighborhood in Rome
cat scan searching for kitty
cauterize make eye contact with her
colic a sheep dog
coma a punctuation mark
D&C where Washington is
dilate to live long
enema not a friend
fester quicker than someone else
fibula a small lie
genital non-Jewish person
G.I. series World Series of military baseball
hangnail what you hang your coat on
impotent distinguished, well known
labor pain getting hurt at work
medical staff a doctor's cane
morbid a higher offer than I bid
nitrates cheaper than day rates
node I knew it
outpatient a person who has fainted
Pap smear a fatherhood test
pelvis second cousin to Elvis
post operative a letter carrier
recovery room place to do upholstery
rectum near killed him
secretion hiding something
seizure Roman emperor
tablet a small table
terminal illness getting sick at the airport
tumor one more than one more
urine opposite of you're out
varicose near by/close by MY PILLS
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself
One yellow pill I hope to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop,
A little white one that I take,
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot,
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple goes to my brain,
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to sneeze,
Or cough, or choke or even wheeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones so big and bright,
Stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know,
Is what tells each one where to go?

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,
he answered.

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza and pancakes," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"
"No," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."